Give Yourself Permission was originally an article written in November 2014, after attending a Christchurch Chapter meeting of the New Zealand Speakers Association. It was published on KESWiN Academy’s blog in 2021 and updated and published here and on my Café Reflections Substack in 2025.
Who Gives You Permission to Be You?
Last night a professional speaker was telling our group about the people who had given him permission to be himself. It seemed an odd thing to say.
“John gave me permission to move around on the stage,” he said. Someone else gave him permission to let his sense of humour flavour his presentations.
I thought “Why didn’t you give yourself permission to be you? Why did you need to get this permission from third parties?”
It is something that many people do. They hold back a natural part of themselves until someone else gives them permission to be, do or act in public how they are in private.
Why do they do it? Why do they wait until a third party assesses, grades and validates them? Is it because they have had too much negative criticism in the past? Have loved ones, caregivers, friends and teachers told them one too many times to not behave naturally because it threatens something within the person giving the feedback?
Do you need assistance to identify your goals and give yourself permission to achieve them? I provide workshops, courses and mentoring to assist you with getting clarity and pursuing your potentials. Learn more here.
Café Reflections with Deb Donnell is a reader-supported Substack publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Why it’s Important to Give Yourself Permission
Often we bury our natural diamonds deep within ourselves because someone has not been skilled at giving criticism or feedback. I once had a person in a responsible position tell me never to use humour to cope with difficult situations. While humour can at times be inappropriate, it is also a very important coping mechanism in the face of challenging times. Fortunately I didn’t listen too closely to that person.
How we think, feel, communicate and act is often based upon feedback from our past experiences. If we suppress parts of ourselves due to negative feedback, this may indicate a lack of self-belief and self-confidence. We need to somehow move past these barriers put in place by third parties that suppress the best parts of ourselves.
It is crucial that we give ourselves permission to mine, cut, shape and polish our natural inner diamonds. If we don’t, we are disabling and limiting ourselves, and by example, we may be disabling and limiting the very people we want to help.
Will it help if I give you permission to give yourself permission to become the person you really are? Will this make a difference to how you write, think, feel, communicate, act and interact with others?
2025 Update: Give Yourself Permission Now
It’s slightly over 10 years since I wrote the above. During that time I have studied and qualified as a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Semantics and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP), both being branches of self-actualisation psychology.
And in the past five years, the global population has been subjected to a very dark period of social engineering like nothing ever seen before. Thanks to technology like the internet, it has made it very easy for individuals to be nudged, indoctrinated, coerced, bullied and blackmailed into becoming compliant citizens who are fearful of thinking, feeling, communicating or acting for themselves.
However, the purpose of this updated reflection is not to look back and analyse whether we had the strength to resist the social engineering, or found it easier to “just do what we were told.” The purpose of this reflection is to give you the opportunity to work through a very simple NLP pattern so that you can regain your autonomy in all aspects of your life moving forward.
So if you are ready to give yourself permission, then let’s get started. This exercise is adapted from the Giving Yourself Permission pattern in L. Michael Hall, PhD.’s book The Source Book of Magic Volume II.
Choose what you are wanting to give yourself permission for (being, doing, etc.)
In a quiet space, internally state, “I give myself permission to…” Notice what thoughts and emotions arise, including any physical feelings. Is there any part of you objecting to, resisting or forbidding this permission statement? Is there any past experience including third party feedback or prohibition that is initiating your objection or resistance?
Keep repeating the permission statement, using all your senses to get crystal clear about what it feels, sounds and looks like having full permission to be or do what it is you ‘need’ permission for.
How empowering is your sense of permission? Does it enhance your life? Do you feel your confidence increasing and your KESWiN™ and sense of self being validated? (KESWiN = Knowledge, Experiences, Skill-sets, Wisdom, ideas, Narratives)Are there any valid objections you need to honour? Such as a need to be professional, respectful and mindful of others, while ensuring that your autonomy, reputation and well-being are respected in return.
Are there any invalid objections you need to reject? Accept them for what they are and release them. You many need to use the power of an emphatic “NO!” to reject them fully.
Hopefully by the end of this pattern you will have reprogrammed some of the ridiculous taboos and uncertainty that have kept you stuck, anxious or feeling overwhelmed. If you would to get help with this, you can book a coaching session with me here.
Alternatively, subscribers to my Café Reflections Substack can ask questions in the comments section.
Do you need assistance to identify your goals and give yourself permission to achieve them? I provide workshops, courses and mentoring to assist you with getting clarity and pursuing your potentials. Learn more here.
Café Reflections with Deb Donnell is a reader-supported Substack publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Note: as a freelance writer/publisher and coach/mentor I rely on multiple income sources, which enable me to do the work I do. I appreciate all support (even from free subscribers). However, money does keep the economy moving, so any financial contribution such as a monthly subscription, or even a one off “buy me a cup of coffee” donation helps me meet my financial commitments and continue writing and publishing. Thanks :)
